she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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