Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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