The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
