1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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