I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
