I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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