where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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