Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
