new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
