i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
