Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
