life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
