Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
