in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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