Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
