i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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