Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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