Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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