I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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