don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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