I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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