Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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