It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
