I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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