Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
