drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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