So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
