if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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