whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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