I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
