um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
