Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
