Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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