my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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