Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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