Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
