The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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