fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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