we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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