Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
