Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
