The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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