Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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