i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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