my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
