Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
