I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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