you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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