ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
