haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
