even my farts smell like vagina
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
