i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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